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Tuesday, April 18th, 2006
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12:52 am - Now don't eat the play dough, kids....
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Umm...
Do you ever like... make something artsy, namely out of clay and then uhh... have the sudden desire to Eat it?
I walked by Illucian's dragon pendant thingy I've been meaning to fix just now, and all of a sudden, I had the overwhelming urge to chew on it.
Could be worse. No? Yeah, I coulda really done it I guess.
Wow my mood icon r a blob. Blooooooob.
current mood:  exanimate
current music: EverQuest Soundtrack -Depths of Darkhallow- Drachnid's Hive
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| Tuesday, April 4th, 2006
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7:56 am - Well it's been a bit, hasn't it?
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I don't really feel like spitting out what all's happened in the last year. It's my intention though, because it's pretty important. For now, I'm content just saying hello again. I don't remember who half the people on my friends list are anymore it's been so long. >< Bleh.
Everytime I post on here I used to use it for what it was meant for, you know? Saying how I feel. Problem is I always felt bad and amusingly enough absolutely nothing's changed in that respect. In the end no one really reads these things because they enjoy teh drama o' other people's lives, so I left. In light of that I expect my attendance to be dotty. In any case. *leaves a plate of pancakes on the table and goes to hide under another rock* I'll try to find something good to say... later.
Jem wuffs yoo all.
current mood:  cynical
current music: F-Zero Exp-kit Beyond Light Speed remix (Oh the cornieness!)
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| Thursday, March 10th, 2005
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3:30 pm - Well holy wtf batman~
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Yeah, right. It's been so long, I forgot how these things work. Lemme see.
Dear Diary...
Is that right?
Ahem, Dear Diary! (insert everything I've done in the last year)
I'm such a slacker. You know I'd prolly take up a whole six lines to explain twelve months? It would be nothing to be ashamed of if I wasn't depending so heavily on other people to live right now probably. Guilt trips galore, rabid depression, I've slept three years away, and that's the conclusion of...
Well, no. I could probably come up with more to say. OK, this week. Umm. Mark, my ex-boyfriend is coming to stay with me for a week on Saturday. I stayed with him for a week a few months ago. I dated him for a few years and we've been close yet far for around five. So yeah, I'm looking forward to the visit, save the massive amount of cleaning I'm needing to engross myself in. I don't feel like going into detail about our relationship. But let's just say he -adores- me, and I don't want to feel the same. But sort of do. His bad traits are nearly intolerable for me sometimes but I feel so alive with him it's unreal.
Moving to the point... if there was one.
Is it 'unreal' because 'real' has become what'unreal' was for me? Or rather... I haven't experience real. Yet. I'm in this room. All day. With him I go out, it feels fresh. I wanna stay out, it's not like going out with family. I could make a list of things I enjoy with him in general though, a very long one. But is it love? Or just loving living? It's not time yet for me to need to find the answer, though his room mate is trying to force it on me unceremoniously because he's 'tired of the indecision for five years and listening to Mark whine about it'. That's his problem, not mine, I guess. But I'm still bothered. He's right. I don't know what to think or how to find out. Mark lives six hours away. The only way to 'find out' is arranging a semi-permenant setup. With him. Not here. Rrrg. I hate confusion and indecisiveness. When do you know when it's time?
That's encompassed my thoughts this month. All of them, save what I'm going to cook Mark for dinner day after tomarrow. I'm so interesting.
On a parting note: Do I like blackberry jam? I was trying to figure it out this morning but two packages of jam later I still have no idea.
current mood:  nerdy
current music: CarboHydroM - FF7 - FightOn Overclocked Remix
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| Tuesday, February 3rd, 2004
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5:54 pm - OMGOMGOMGOMG
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EEEEEEEE I HAVE TO PLAY MAGIC: THE GATHERING AGAIN liek now or I go crazeh. x_x
Blame it on Yu-Gi-Oh. I've begun to regularly watch weekday morning cartoons, hehe. =D
current mood:  silly
current music: Slayers - Into Confusion *dadadadada, da dadadada dada! Da!*
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| Sunday, February 1st, 2004
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9:21 pm - Depression makes you sleep more?
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I just woke up after sleeping since before the sun came up. As usual I don't exactly feel refreshed but mom woke me up to tell me she made chocolate cake. <3
Last night I got 1/5th of my enchanter's level 48. Happyhappy.
Ryask left for two days. To have fun with his girlfriend. Without telling me. I was pissed. I had been worried, more worried when he avoided me for two weeks. I thought he finally took his recklessness to the final stupidity and honestly fell off of a cliff, and was nearly about to call his house to see if he was OK. This time more worried he learned to like being out of my sight and blissfully out of his mind. I need to train myself out of this. It isn't going to work but I can try.
Well wishes to Sun Shadow and Nana~
current mood: apathetic
current music: FFIX - Seymour Battle, soon to be BoFIV myoosic.
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12:04 am - Mrr...
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To Nana: "Charity case" is a Little harsh even if realistic definition-wise. I'd be buying your peace of mind in some form.
To everyone else:
I took my nap. I had a WEIRD dream, too.
I went with mom to the grocery store. She had to go to the bathroom so I went in with her and it had two floors- The second floor was attached to the first by a ramp instead of stairs. The walls were dark blue marble. On what I instinctually knew was the west side of the top floor of the bathroom there was a dentist's chair. Some hyper immature girls who I didn't know appeared on the other side of the room laughing and giggling and dancing and for no apparent reason I joined them, and we sat on that ramp. I was at the bottom, they were behind me. We slid down and it was like we just slid into ancient china at night. I stopped sliding at the side of a wall and looked to the right where a white light was shining through some glass which was part of the wall that upheld a black door. I saw a kanji symbol and knew it meant "now". For those of you who can understand this: Angren made a special pendant for Alarus with that symbol on it so it made me think of it right before I snapped awake.
I'm notorious for dreams much weirder than that, harhar.
I've been meaning to go out and do funstuffs with my EQ friend. Friends, more closely. But I haven't felt too much like logging on lately. I really feel like doing Something though....... Indecisiveness sucks.
current mood:  lazy
current music: Final Fantasy 10 - Summoned Beast Battle
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| Saturday, January 31st, 2004
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8:48 pm - Ahhh, memories...
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I decided to go back and listen to this this morning. http://www.istaria.com/page.php?pg=characters&mid=Saris&play=sound
It got me looking at this again, http://jemnisimi.slayersrpg.com/images/Alarus-Spirit-Dance.jpg . Still need to color it...
Speaking of which, I was almost done with my self-portrait when I restarted my computer and forgot to save my progress. AAAARGH. Oh well.
I also scratched a little rust off of the novel I'll never finish. Depressed me muchly. I'm not sure if it happened because it's the part I haven't wrote yet but Alarus had a waking nightmare today about something aweful. That's not uncommon but since I was already reminiscing it bothered me more than usual. I talked to Nana about it a little, and told her I wish she'd be more open with her own worries. I probably shouldn't have said that. =( She's very sad. Between a screaming crying mostly-dead lump of grief making his feelings ever-known to me and knowing my sis is so negative I upchucked for the fourth or so time this week and spent the latter part of the day in bed. Which was fine since I hadn't slept in a full day but only got four hours in. I need a nap.
Sis came over, though. I got a macadamia nut godiva truffle from her. And she said a really neat Dragon store I know is going out of business so all of their stuff is 40% off. I'm going there tomarrow to buy a Dragon I always said I can't live without but could never buy it because it was sickeningly expensive. $65, now it's what, $35? Closer to what I think it's worth.
So many people with money problems. I almost feel guilty induging but I know I can't make myself feel like I'm in the gutter just because some of my friends feel that way due to poorness. When I get a job I'm gonna send Nana mucho money, because I'll have enough to endulge which I almost never do and have some left over. Since *I* don't have to pay bills. Yet. I just have... to shed myself of my current problem first.
current mood:  morose
current music: Horizons, Empire of Istaria - Saris Theme
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| Wednesday, January 28th, 2004
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7:25 pm - Feeling Indecisive....
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Well, I know I have the desire to post in my journal. But that's about it. I want to play a game on PS2. It's a draw between BoFIV and Kingdom Hearts, but I think BoF is gonna win.
This is gonna sound odd but I haven't finished it yet because it creeps me out. Not in the scared sense, it's just twisted at times and something about the atmosphere sucks my eyeballs into the screen. So if something disturbing happens, it disturbs me. =P
Hmm, this reminds me of a new project. Attempting to draw Fou-Lu's Tyrant Dragon form from the game. <3 I'll prolly never finish it; it is sure to be discouragingly difficult.
Despite having absolutely nothing to feel good about, I feel OK. I think I need a sprite with little cherries and a tiny umbrella though. Mmmm. *dreamy sigh* There's something in the air...
A fly. *SWAT*
current mood: mellow
current music: BoFIV- Opening, Fou-Lu Battle, Battle With Tyrant, Synesta
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| Tuesday, January 27th, 2004
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11:37 pm - .....
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This is another rant of depression. Most of you skip reading my entries entirely so I prolly don't even have to warn. Well, now that's downright cynical.
The one thing that's driving me crazy in the largest amount is something I dislike talking about here. Aloud in general. I won't say it. But I spent the last five hours crying uncontrollably, and mom acted all sympathetic when she called me to bitch me out about not going to get dinner. After she figured out I was crying and not sick. So she brought dinner to me so I wouldn't have to walk next door to get it. And a pear, and a few more cupcakes, aaand... I think that's it. Too bad the soup tasted gnasty; it was full of grease. =(
Ah yes, and if this sounds a little bluntly disrespectful then tough it, it's my mood talking but I'm damn well gonna let it scream: Ryask hasn't come online in like three weeks, it's pissing me off (I guess because I'm lonely), and why should I care because he's not my boyfriend anymore. He takes every opportunity to (unintentionally and inadvertantly) rub my damn nose in it like having called me his Love one week and calling that new girl his Love the next, and saying on some survey he's good at falling in love. Yes, he is, he decided he wanted to be with Arkeyla after he announced himself my mate a week prior, then without breaking it off with me started calling her his mate. Until he called me crying so hard he couldn't talk, begging me to forgive him. It's been a year, so much has changed. I've become a cold, uncharismatic bitch. Because of why I cried today. I'm trying to convince myself that it didn't destroy my chances, but I don't know if I have to. I'm sure it was many things. Whatever, I just don't think he's being very sensitive at ALL and that *is* my calm self talking. Fook it all.
I FINALLY drew my full body.
http://jemnisimi.slayersrpg.com/images/JemnisimiBW.jpg
It's about 80% colored in Photoshop. I was too tired to finish, but I definitly will. It's as awesome as awesome can be. <3
current mood: crushed
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| Thursday, January 15th, 2004
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12:28 pm - YAYAYAYAYAYAY
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Yesterday night daddy had to go get some cancer sticks and he told me I could get what I wanted at the store but I whined because it was "cold" (70 degrees) so was in the car wrapped in three blankets. XD Andandand so I took them off and went in and got a DRUMSTICK (icecream) and when I jumped back in the car he told me "Every trip out with you is an advenchur.".
"Why izzat?"
"Because of your personality."
"What's my personality?"
"You're a SPAZ."
And I was liek so happy. Mwa.
current mood:  bouncy
current music: RAAAAAAAA *whips out KaZaA*
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| Wednesday, January 14th, 2004
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3:35 pm - And after the several month silence...
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As I said before I get on kicks and those kicks don't include LJ when I'm depressed usually.
I was actually kind of happy for a while so went to playing EQ more often, then quit again, went in a slump, and Ryask broke up with me a week ago. He bought the plane ticket to come here five days later and wouldn't even do that after he announced his decision. Couldn't even wait till after he was here and we had our time together like we talked about where cares just melted away for a few days. Well fine. I'm not mad. I can't be. If he can't be happy with me than who am I to chain someone to the ground.
Despite being desperately upset I've managed to feel more alive lately. Sort of. Maybe it's just the realization of what "dead" is/was. I've been getting out of the house a lot more often, and doing more artstuffs to get my mind off of stuff.
http://jemnisimi.slayersrpg.com/images/TigerDragon.jpg (finished yesterday)
http://jemnisimi.slayersrpg.com/images/ReftrasolDrakeAvatar.jpg
http://jemnisimi.slayersrpg.com/images/NightDragon-Clay.jpg
http://jemnisimi.slayersrpg.com/images/ManabaButton.jpg
http://jemnisimi.slayersrpg.com/images/ReftrasolDrakeBW.jpg
Those are the most memorable...
OOOOHHHH Ohhh oh oh oh oh I got a two foot tall Dragon in simulated black stone for $50. It's gorgeous; I think the new "king peice" to my collection. It's emerging from a fire lake mantled on a mahogany plate, and the fire drifts up its back to make a sun design out of flames. In the center is a four or five inch crystal ball with bubbles in it. There's a light under it which alternates colors so it makes the ball and sun look neaties. And the Dragon's wings are sort of like burnt leaves, it looks like. Aaaah I wish it would fit in my scanner. *swoons*
The shop has Dragons wall to wall. For cheap. It's my new home. The owner also said I can sell my clay there if it's good enough so I'm trying to get a lot done for it to show off in a few months.
I think I may post again tonight. We'll see.
current mood: moody
current music: Evanescence - My Immortal
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| Friday, October 3rd, 2003
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4:31 am - OOOOHHHH ME GORSH.
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Remember what I said about quitting Everquest? And that the music sucks... For the fun of it I checked out the file folders of the game to see if I can find any .mp3s.......... I found the mp3s for the nearly-impossible-to-visit Elemental Planes and some other planes of existance............
Some of them like the Plane of Air are so beautiful and haunting that I was on the edge of tears. My eyes tear up when I find music that makes me feel a certain way (mood I guess). When I listen to music that makes me want to dance, I can picture fire dancing, water swirling....
This went beyond that......
I could picture nothing in particular. Only feel. My favorite is the Plane of Air. It makes me feel like I *AM* Air. Water, the same. Amazing. Utterly. Some of them were more lively so gave me more of a spiritually physical feeling but were still mouth-dropping.
When I delete EverQuest, I'm holding onto the music for dear life.
I wish there were more words I could use to describe the feeling I have now. The closest I can come is "Euphoric".
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New Jem-Arts. I'm sorry for the large graphic but it was too pretty not to post out in the open, methinks, and I REALLY want constructive critisism. (Some say the position looks wonky. Try to be original if you choose that to critisize. ^_~ Thankee.)
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Inspired by: The Saris (Note: You have to wait for the page to load the music. On a 56k modem it will take a little bit of time but it's WORTH IT. I recommend trying the audio for the other races, too.)
I WILL color this picture. I wish my art was as immersive as the music that inspires me to do it. With my newfound music, this will be my masterwork.
I haven't slept in well over thirty hours. I can't sleep. But I am WIDE awake and damn glad.
current mood:  high
current music: EverQuest: Plane of Air, "" Time, Earth, Bastion of Thunder
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| Tuesday, September 30th, 2003
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9:39 pm - Horizons is on the Horizon....
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I'm quitting EverQuest to go to Horizons when it comes out. One cohesive land mass, thousands of kilometers of land to explore including underwater land containing real civilizations, playable Dragons and the ability to fly over six miles into the air. I'm gonna find a secluded snow-covered mountain and build a cave for my horde!
Release date is November 11th. I need over $250 to see maximum output. I'd better get working, eh? I have about that much now but I need new clothes, to go see Sun Shadow and Ryask, AND to get ready to play the greatest game ever made.
Calling all people who want commissions...? I'll send an e-mail to you soon, Nanaburd...
No new Jem-arts. Or at least none I'm allowed to display to the public just yet.
The word of today and yesterday is/are Moop.
current mood:  anxious
current music: Horizons - Theme of the Dragons!
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| Wednesday, September 24th, 2003
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2:54 am - The word of the day is smoogle. Actually, that's yesterday's word. I haven't thought of today's yet.
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Although I'm feeling artsy today, I haven't done anything yet. My sleeping schedule is so screwed up... Hey, why not? I have so many unfinished projects... it's disgusting. Oh! Someone bought that pendant today because I whined about it so much. That's a plus, I guess. ... *unenthusiastic half-smile*
I spent seven hours this morning working on my RPG. Not fun. At all. I went to bed at 1pm.
Quiz time! Anyone know what a disruptor beast is? I'll give you a cookie if you know.
I miss my Nana... muches........ *wilts*
current mood:  drained
current music: Once every hour I'm playing Dark Moor - Nevermore...
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| Sunday, September 21st, 2003
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8:48 pm - Jem, Mildly Grumpy
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My auction ended. Nobody bid on it. Keirala sort of gave me an idea although I couldn't use hers.
Does anyone know a site like FurBid where it's just Dragons? I seriously doubt it but maybe I'd have an easier time selling some stuff there. Gragh, is $20 for a seven hour pendant really too much? I Think Not. Maybe if it was ugly...
I'd like to think I'm not being a little vain just because I'm unhappy. But I'm always afraid of sounding vain. And that's off-topic so I'm gonna shut up now.
I actually had intended on saying more than this, but I can't remember what besides I have no inspiration to work on art at the moment and I really want to write. And I got a new CD, The Very Best of Fleetwood Mac yesterday with sis. Actually, that does leave me something to say.
It comes with two disks. The first one, when I play it on my computer it requires QuickTime. Okay, so I download QT and find out that the CD 1) Requires Fullscreen, 2) Only plays half of three songs rather than the whole CD as it would play on a player, 3) Only allows the "Play" and "Pause" features, and 4) Mutes when I switch to a different window. I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO sending hate mail to that record company. They're gonna burn for this. The only other CD player in the house, the neighbors complain about because its bass is so uber.
*storms off*
PS~ The Word For The Day is Eaurgh.
current mood:  cranky
current music: Fleetwood Mac - Illume
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| Friday, September 19th, 2003
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5:34 am - I am calm....
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This is muchly an improvement from yesterday.
My first FurBid auction.... At least peek at it, eh? It will make me feel a little better... maybe. I only get money off of pendants and I need it so bad. Some of my clothes are literally falling apart they're so old; I have not bought clothes in three years because my parents are dirt poor. And I need to save up to visit Shadow-sis next summer... Because... many reasons... It's just important to me...
Although I have much commission work to do already, I would not mind if someone wants to commission me for something simple. *nudge* I'm trying to finish them all now that I have a real need for cash...
*sigh* Oh, thanks everyone for the comments yesterday.
And... The word for the day is Moot. I think I'll write (something) now and then go to bed... because I feel like both.
current mood:  sleepy
current music: None. I don't.. feel like it. Odd. *quick half-smile*
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| Thursday, September 18th, 2003
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5:24 am - *screamy whiny hissy fit*
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And I feel like vomiting and have all day!!!! I forgot to say that. I just thought you all might want to know. Carry on.
current mood:  nauseated
current music: Dark Moor - Silver Lake
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4:08 am - AHAHAHAHA!!!
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... aaaahhh.... What the hell am I laughing for....? Oh. Hmm. *shrugs*
I'm coloring this! ... Or shading... or both. http://www.slayersrpg.com/jemscitadel/Ixion.jpg
Aaand... I spent the last night and a lot of today crying... and have not had a Frappucino so why do my emotions feel this weird...? It must be the bipolar disorder. Or my bad lack of sleep today.
And I want to say that I luff my Shadow-sis and my Skay-sis and I miss my Nana-sis terribly... *whimper*
STILL HAVE NOT GONE TO THE F'ing POST OFFICE!!! GRAGH!!!
I seriously need a tranquilizer right now. I'm hyper and not happy. God I hate this.
current mood: annoyed
current music: Dark Moor - Nevermore
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| Sunday, September 14th, 2003
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3:44 am - Hmm, I just thought of a fun irony...
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"Goddamn you, God." That's how I've been feeling a lot lately. Luckily right now I can be neutral because I'm somewhere between neutral and an eensy bit happy. And then some other stuff that I can't recognise. Dammit. RAGH! ... I really have no reason to be happy. I feel like I want to do something. Doing things makes me happy. The prospect of doing things makes me merely giddy with anticipation. Maybe that's what it is. Giddy. Cute word. I think that is the word for today. *bounces around like Tigger on her tail*
I have been doing a lot. A lot with the things I've been meaning to work on, but it's made me slower on my RPG, and so I've announced a short vacation on it. That really sucks, because I'm the only person capable of handling it. Without me, it's crippled. I hate and like being the only person who can do a job. I don't trust anyone with my jobs. I should get over it.
Yes, I'm rambling.
Ah yeah and I just found out that........ Okay, if I say what I was gonna, I will depress myself and so I won't because ..... I know why I feel listless! Yes, that was random also.
I will try to speak in english this time: I have something to say but I am not going to, at least not yet, because it makes me feel unhappy and is spreading other people's business. And I feel giddy/hyper/listless/happyish because I had a Frappucino tonight and forgot that those make me have the desire to run miles at a time.
Last year I had a Frappucino and my ex-boyfriend called. I really didn't want to talk to him at the moment but he's a funny guy and we're on good terms so he brought up as an obvious joke, "this was sure a one-sided relationship!" so I started laughing so hard that I cried and turned purple. I fell off of the back of the chair, and bonked my head, but still didn't stop laughing for another five minutes after that. I had forgotten why I started laughing in the first place by the time I quit, because he was squealing "WTF!?" over the phone, lol, that was great. Yes, the wonders of the Frap...
I think that's it for now. At least a couple of sections of my webpage will go up today. Goodeh. Yeah I actually have them mostly put together.
current mood:  listless
current music: Fleetwood Mac (Stevie Nicks) - Running Through The Garden
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| Tuesday, September 9th, 2003
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4:00 pm - Productiveness... w00t....
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First of all, I'm honored to announce that I am now the proud sis of Sun Shadow. *holds up a black feather with bloo highlights* But am too lethargic to show my enthusiasm as much as I feel it. Yarg. Nu. Wonky. Yes, the Word of the Day, courtasy of Shadow-sis, is Wonky. Fankyoooou.
I forgot to mention, yesterday's word was Rarf.
I couldn't quit saying it every thirty seconds after sis got here. Heh, my blood-sis, that is. We went to the bookstore and I picked up a new copy of one of my favorite books that I had given to a friend of mine to borrow over the summer before this one. That was before I knew that I wouldn't be going back to school. Well anyway, it's Dragon's Bait by Vivian Vande Velde. I've probably mentioned it before in here. It's not very high-level reading, but you should take a look at it because it's just... fun. For $6, why not?
Then we had some really spicy deep-dish pepperoni pizza... It was yummers. But they had these weird chewy gel-mints at the front and since she got really gnasty b33r with her pizza, she said it tasted so gross that she'd spit it out of the window right there and now if she didn't want it to get stuck on the side of her car for the next 20 years, lol. There's sis for you.
I feel like doing much artstuffs. I haven't touched my bisque Dragon yet, or my watercolors, but I think I'm going to make a pendant right now and then finish a pic for the watercolors and deal with the Dragon later. Meh.
Erk, I really need to go to the post office dammit...
current mood: peaceful
current music: Dark Moor - A New World
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jemnisimi's journal
